Looking at the Heart

We took the kids to petsmart on Saturday to try to find a farm dog for our home.  There was a rescue organization that was hosting an adoption fair this weekend. We were looking at a black pitbull/mix dog when a lady that helps run the nonprofit told me that this particular dog may have already found its forever  home.  Just a moment later, a young lady, probably in her late 20’s rounded the end of the aisle in her wheelchair.  She was coming towards us and the black dog.  I noticed quickly that she had significant developmental disabilities and was fully dependent on her wheelchair.  Her caregiver was by her side to help with the adoption process.    The black dog jumped up with his front paws and placed them on the edge of her knees.  This gave him the angle he need to just reach her cheeks and cover them with wet kisses.   She just laughed a big belly laugh and smiled a broad, toothy smile.  It was beautiful to watch this interaction.  She was his new mama and he was so excited to be going home with her.  I thought it was so beautiful how he  jumped up there and gave her a kisses and love, with no reservations.  One of my favorite verses is from I Samuel 16:7-- “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”  The Black dog didn’t see her wheelchair, he didn’t mind that she didn’t have full use of her arms or legs, he didn’t even notice the extra time and effort it took to express her words.  He just loved her and saw her as what she truly was...a person that wanted to love him.  He saw her heart. It was beautiful to watch!  I am so glad I there on their aisle at the pet store that day so I could watch this beautiful love story unfold.  I owe a big thank you to the black pit bull/mix rescue dog that reminded me of how to love more like Jesus.  I am so glad that he didn’t look at the things that people look at.  Instead of looking at the outward appearance, he chose to look at the heart.

I refuse to miss the Beauty...

This weekend I spent mother’s day at Carolina Beach.  On the drive down with Cadence soundly sleeping and Cole happily watching shark tales, I had a moment to reflect back on the past week.  A beautiful delivery, a busy, full clinic, first week of daycare for Cadence, being on OB call- I felt like I was in the “amazing race” trying to run both parts of my life and keep everything going.  As I drove I reflected on the weeks events and I realized how this balancing act, logistical nightmare that I am trying to run here may be the biggest and best challenge of my life.  Somewhere deep inside, I know I am going to look back on these days as a young mother and young doctor and cherish the memories of both sides of my life.   I decided during my drive that these times are too precious to internally feel so overwhelmed that I miss the beauty.   I don’t want to miss the silly comments and expressions of Cole during our sweet playtime together in the evenings because I am too busy checking my email that I didn’t get to during the day.  I don’t want to miss all of Cadence’s firsts.  Certainly she will have some firsts that I miss while i’m at work- but how sad if I were to be too distant in mind, while working furiously on my laptop -during my precious time with her, that I miss the small discoveries she makes while playing near my feet. Yet on the other hand, how sad it would be if I stay so overwhelmed with maternal guilt that I can’t do my work as doctor with my whole heart as God has called me to do.  What if I am so distracted by those guilt feelings that I don’t even notice that expression of tender, overtaken emotion that is in a new mother’s face when I hand her her baby seconds after its birth.  What if I missed those sweet tears that roll down a young, unwed father’s face- ,Those same sweet expressions and tears that affected me so  that I knew I had to do this work.  I have to guard my heart and emotions and show up everyday.  Whether I am doctor or mother in that moment- I need to be 100% there.  I don’t want to miss the beauty. I know Michael and I say this with each passing year but...this may be the best time of our lives. God, please help me to have your love, grace, and patience overflowing from my heart so that I can do the work you have asked me to do.  Whether that work is being mommy or doctor- please help me be present and not miss the beauty.  

My Best Friend, My Husband, Michael

        It’s October 2012, I am up in the mountains for a rotation with a real family doctor up in Newland, NC. Not only is it great experience to see how Dr. Baker runs his clinic but is is also encouraging to see a doctor doing inpatient, outpatient and OB, and doing it all well! So wonderful to see someone doing what I dream of doing myself one day. My Aunt and Uncle are graciously letting me stay in their mountain home during this short rotation.

Since I am working here for a week , Michael brought Adia, Aiden and Cole up to see me for a short weekend vacation. We had a great weekend together. It was full of laughter, being silly, and memories I will never forget. As they drove away this evening my heart was sad and lonely. This beautiful mountain home was so full of life...now just silence echoes from the rafters. After working for a while to clean up the goldfish crumbles and wipe away little handprints; I decided to take a break. I kind of just stood there for few minutes, not sure what to do here all by myself. But I quickly decided to take advantage of this opportunity and I found myself in a bubble bath, reading my book, a glass of wine beside the tub, and snow flurries falling outside the large bathroom window. Oh yeah, it is snowing here today...in October! It was beautiful to watch the snow flurries falling down among the dark silhouettes of the trees as the last leaves of fall fluttered trying their best to cling to the almost bare limbs outside the mountain house. I truly enjoy taking time to sit, be still, and reflect. A rare opportunity with my busy job and busy home filled with our 19 month old’s work and play.

My mind shifted from the beauty outside my window back to thoughts about my family. Cole, his sweet personality and how fast he is growing up, Adia and her quick wit and kind soul, and Aiden who is full of energy and has such a strong love for the outdoors. But more than anything, as I sat there peering out into the fall evening, my mind goes to Michael. His smile, his laugh, his love for me, and for Cole, Adia and Aiden. In August we celebrated 10 years together as a married couple. I remember as a girl dreaming of one day meeting the man of my dreams. I didn’t know what he would look like or where I would finally find him. I certainly didn’t envision marrying an Asian redneck from the other side of Ramseur. As a college kid what did I really know about life and marriage? Yet, I had no doubt in my 21 year old mind on August 3, 2002 when I walked down that aisle. I knew, with a eerie, strong confidence, that Michael Caviness, who was waiting for me at the front of the church was the one I wanted to marry and be with throughout the rest of my life.

Little did I know what joy he would truly bring to my life. There is no way I could ever list all the things that I admire about him. But just to name a few of my favorite things:

1) The way he looks at me across the room.
2) The way he can get me to dance even when I don’t want to.(ok not all the time, but sometimes.)
3)His emotional strength and gentleness when I am blubbering and sobbing over unimportant drama or hurt feelings.
4) the way he has supported me through medical school and residency, even though these things took time away from him. He is truly proud of me and tells everyone that will care to listen.
5)The fatherly way he encourages Aiden and Adia.
6)The way he wrestles and cuddles with Cole.
7) The way he will strike up a conversation with absolutely anyone.
8) His strong faith in God.
9) He truly wants to hear my advice and sincerely listens as I give my opinion on work, school projects, and career planning.
10) He treats me as a partner in life, as an equal.

The most important thing he has worked hard to teach me during the past 10 years is how to enjoy the moment. This is not a small feat, me being a girl that constantly is thinking of and planning for the future. Being in the present is a bit unnatural for me. But what joy it has brought me as he has worked steadily to try to teach me this skill . Just this morning, “Wagon Wheel” by Old Crow Medicine Show came on the radio. Michael had all 3 kids up dancing in the living room of the mountain house and he was yelling for me to come join them and dance. Twenty-one year old Dawn would have told them to wait a minute and let me finish getting ready so we could leave the house on time, and the moment would have been gone. Today without hesitation, hair half brushed, no make-up on, I stopped getting ready and joined in the silly, exaggerated, soulful dance party in living room of the mountain house. The present moment can be so rich and special, and I am so grateful to Michael for helping me to recognize that.

On August 3rd Michael and I were in Newport, Oregon on vacation. We renewed our vows in a simple, private service. I have to say I look forward to our next 10 years. Where will we go? What will we find to laugh about? Will we be good parents to Cole? Where will we start my medical practice? Will Michael achieve his goal of being a fire department chief? So many questions with no clear answer. But I am sure about one thing: I am glad I get to spend the years ahead with my best friend, my husband, Michael. 

 Hiking in Newland, NC -- October 2012

Quick nap before our flight to California

 Sweet kisses from Daddy

 

No Sleep In Sonoma

When I carefully planned our vacation adventure to the quaint little town of Sonoma, I for some reason envisioned an evening nap and waking up late in the morning. I forgot to ask you, Cole, my dear little 1 year old, what your plans were for our trip. Why did it surprise me that you, a jet lagged 1 year old, who had flown from NC to San Francisco just days before would not have the same plans? I quickly realized there would be ..no sleep in Sonoma.

But, you know, If there had been sleep in Sonoma...
I would have missed shopping with you in the boutiques that lined the street during those afternoon hours. Oohing and ahhing over the expensive things that we will never buy. Your creative mind pointing out oddities that I would have overlooked had you not been perched there on my back.

If there had been sleep in Sonoma...
I would have never went to the park to talk to the sleeping ducks and awaken them at the water’s edge. Nor would I have taken the time to smile and wave to each passerby.

If there had been sleep in Sonoma...
maybe even just a short afternoon nap. Maybe you would not have turned into a screaming wild arm flailing beast at supper, a display for everyone that had reservations for the late seating at El Dorado Kitchen. No one that saw your dramatic production would have believed that you really are an celestial little being. This fact is so clear to me, as moments later in the hotel room, my anger slowly melts away, as the soft glow from city street comes through the window and falls across your chubby cheeks and motionless face.

If there had been sleep in Somoma...
I wouldn’t have been up at 6:30 am!!! But I would have missed the early morning stroll around the city center park. It was ours to ourselves. Only a couple store owners and a handful of early risers stirred about on the city street. The park was still and quiet except for your laughter as it echoed and bounced between the trees.

If there had been sleep in sonoma...
I would have been fast asleep on the plush hotel pillow and would have missed our early morning breakfast date at the sunflower cafe. We were awake earlier than the other patrons so not only did we get to sit close to the fountain but you could play without unfriendly glances being cast your way. Your thoughts on life and the things you told me in our discussion over breakfast were so captivating. I can’t wait until I can understand completely.

If there had been sleep in sonoma...
I would not be here in city center in the early morning focused intently on penning these words while you focus intently on every grain of sand that runs through your fingers. I love just being near you and watching you enjoy your work of being a kid.

So, there was no sleep in Sonoma...
But when you are grown and you are out on travel adventures of your own. I am sure that I will be so glad for these moments in time, and thankful that that there was no sleep in Sonoma.

Sweet Cole, I hope you can sense how deep my love is for you. Being a resident doctor during these first years of your life has truly placed limits on the time that we have together. But the times we are together are so precious. I just want to soak you in and record in my mind everything about you. Sometimes when I am feeling sleep deprived it is a struggle to be the mom I want to be.

In residency, usually it is in the middle of the night you have that case. A case that teaches you about medicine, about yourself, and forms who you are as a doctor. You never forget that type of case your entire career. And even though your physical body screams for sleep you are glad that your body was startled awake to respond to the call. Otherwise you would have never experienced it.

I am going to try to take these childhood moments and demands that require me to forego sleep as the same type of opportunity. I don’t want to miss it. I want to be there. Present. Ready to soak in what you have to show me and teach me. I have so much to learn from you. Thanks for making my trip to Sonoma, California so special.

You make my life so rich.

Post Call cuddle with Cole

Empowered Family

Young 18 year old mother, young father to match. Living together, unwed, pregnant. I intersect with them in life on the day she goes into labor. Father refusing to leave the room afraid that he will miss it. Laughing with his friends and family about how he thinks he should deliver the baby. I ask in serious...do you want to? He answers with a stunned and nervous “yes.” With 10 centimeters starts the action. Young, strong mother pushing with all of her might. Making quick progress. The words “You are doing so well! You are so strong.” She knows this is true. Brings a small content smile to the corner of her lips in between contractions. “Dad, you ready?” when I see the new one crowning, ready. His hands with mine I help him make his first connection to his offspring. We place the infant directly on his mother’s breast. The little one cries the sweetest cry and talks to his mother. Mom looks into her little boy’s eyes. A perfect moment. All of dad’s expression that had just seconds ago been focused on bring his new child into the world, instantly is gone from his face. He becomes stoic and flat as he looks at mother and child and the weight of what has just occurred falls over him. He quickly turns his face as tears stream down. He quickly wipes away the tears and cuts the cord. He is a father. Very few things outshine the beauty of an empowered woman. An empowered young father is, now in my mind, a close equal. But an empowered family is the most awe-inspiring site to see. I feel that there are moments in time that can change the trajectory of a person’s life. I am thrilled that there is a mom and dad who will always be eager to tell their birth story. I am overjoyed and humbled to my core that God allowed me to be a part of that story.

Looking Back

Here we are in July and I am able to look back at a full month of being doctor mom. I am exhausted, but so grateful. No my house isn’t clean. My bills are a bit behind. Different projects lay untouched around the house. My to do list has dust gathering on it. But...the past month has been full of intense memorable moments. I am convinced that nothing is more special in all of the medical profession than being present at birth and at death. This month I was able to be present for many births. That special warm moment when the mom cuddles with her baby for the first time is such a sweet time and I felt so honored to get to be present for that. Of course, usually I am standing between the woman’s legs delivering the placenta at that point, but nonetheless, it is a special time. Of course, I have seen some drama. Security had to come to 2 different deliveries and remove family members that were out of control. I nearly teared up as I delivered a baby of a mother who had alienated everyone in her life and here she was completely alone. She had to ask a staff member to take a picture of her and her baby. Each day, when the end of the shift would arrive I would drive towards my little oasis in Archdale, the OB drama fading behind me. It seems at that point in the day, time would begin to move at break neck speed. Nearly dark I would get home and find Michael and Cole swing on the front porch. I would nurse Cole, cuddle with him, at supper I would listen to Cole banter on about the day while Michael and I would attempt to get a word in edge-wise. During this time of the day I would attempt to memorize what the 3 month old version of Cole looks like so I will never forget. Then I would sit close to Michael and feed Cole for the last time for the night as he would slip into slumberland. When he is in my arms, so still and peaceful, I am sometimes moved to tears at how wonderful it is to be a mom. I still can’t believe that he is ours and that we get to keep him. Still 3 months later reality still hasn’t set in. This upcoming month is a different rotation and a different routine. But I will never forget my first month as a working mom. Intense, overwhelming, fulfilling, --and we all survived!

Be Still My Soul

I was spending time with God this morning and “Be still my soul” came on pandora. I pulled up the lyrics quickly and sang along. This song brings me such comfort. The interesting thing is that I had never really heard the song until I was at an international church in Honduras in 2002. I was homesick, newly engaged, missing Michael, and overwhelmed by the poverty that I was seeing around me. I was so overtaken and blessed by this song that Sunday in Honduras that I sat down after singing the congregational hymns and wrote the lyrics in the back of my bible. Through my time in Honduras I had those words to bring me comfort, and since that time at each hardship or crossroads in life somehow this song seems to find it’s way to me. Today I am trying to prepare myself for going back to work next week. The pain and grief of being separated from Cole is a new change and the song speaks directly to this:

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.

I love how God provides what I need, in the time that I need it. I love the closeness of His presence. Thank you God for caring about me and my family. There are so many bigger issues in the world but you still find a way to comfort my heart and be near me as I go through change. Thank you.