Looking Back

Here we are in July and I am able to look back at a full month of being doctor mom. I am exhausted, but so grateful. No my house isn’t clean. My bills are a bit behind. Different projects lay untouched around the house. My to do list has dust gathering on it. But...the past month has been full of intense memorable moments. I am convinced that nothing is more special in all of the medical profession than being present at birth and at death. This month I was able to be present for many births. That special warm moment when the mom cuddles with her baby for the first time is such a sweet time and I felt so honored to get to be present for that. Of course, usually I am standing between the woman’s legs delivering the placenta at that point, but nonetheless, it is a special time. Of course, I have seen some drama. Security had to come to 2 different deliveries and remove family members that were out of control. I nearly teared up as I delivered a baby of a mother who had alienated everyone in her life and here she was completely alone. She had to ask a staff member to take a picture of her and her baby. Each day, when the end of the shift would arrive I would drive towards my little oasis in Archdale, the OB drama fading behind me. It seems at that point in the day, time would begin to move at break neck speed. Nearly dark I would get home and find Michael and Cole swing on the front porch. I would nurse Cole, cuddle with him, at supper I would listen to Cole banter on about the day while Michael and I would attempt to get a word in edge-wise. During this time of the day I would attempt to memorize what the 3 month old version of Cole looks like so I will never forget. Then I would sit close to Michael and feed Cole for the last time for the night as he would slip into slumberland. When he is in my arms, so still and peaceful, I am sometimes moved to tears at how wonderful it is to be a mom. I still can’t believe that he is ours and that we get to keep him. Still 3 months later reality still hasn’t set in. This upcoming month is a different rotation and a different routine. But I will never forget my first month as a working mom. Intense, overwhelming, fulfilling, --and we all survived!

Be Still My Soul

I was spending time with God this morning and “Be still my soul” came on pandora. I pulled up the lyrics quickly and sang along. This song brings me such comfort. The interesting thing is that I had never really heard the song until I was at an international church in Honduras in 2002. I was homesick, newly engaged, missing Michael, and overwhelmed by the poverty that I was seeing around me. I was so overtaken and blessed by this song that Sunday in Honduras that I sat down after singing the congregational hymns and wrote the lyrics in the back of my bible. Through my time in Honduras I had those words to bring me comfort, and since that time at each hardship or crossroads in life somehow this song seems to find it’s way to me. Today I am trying to prepare myself for going back to work next week. The pain and grief of being separated from Cole is a new change and the song speaks directly to this:

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.

I love how God provides what I need, in the time that I need it. I love the closeness of His presence. Thank you God for caring about me and my family. There are so many bigger issues in the world but you still find a way to comfort my heart and be near me as I go through change. Thank you.

What kind of day will it be?

I am convinced that there are 2 types of days that I can have:

1) Focused and checking off that to do list, don’t-get-in-my-way-day:
All too often I have those days where I go at break neck speed trying to be the best- wife, doctor, friend, etc. At the end of the day I just end up frustrated and feeling inadequate and unfulfilled. I go to sleep thinking...what could I have done better, how could I have been more efficient. The sad thing is that on those days I rushed through conversations with friends and interactions with patients half-heartedly since my mind is really on the next thing on my to do list.

2) The focused on God and ready for anything-that-comes-my-way day--
Then occasionally I will have periods in my life where I wake up in the zone, just completely focused on God and curious where he will led me that day. It is strange how these times in my life correlate very closely with the times that I am most faithful to meet with God in the morning and spend time in prayer (please note the sarcasm here!). It is also interesting that during those periods I am more intent on listening to Michael and more faithful to pray for him. During those periods I also tend to pray for people as I meet them and see their need during the day. And I am more in tune to jump in and help meet a need that I am equipped to meet, even if it isn’t on my official to do list. I end the day completely fulfilled with my “cup running over”--completely blessed by those around me, truly content and at peace.

As evidenced by the past 7 weeks of maternity leave--life goes so fast. Each day is truly so precious. Why do I settle so many days for option #1?? Yesterday evening I rocked Cole to sleep at sundown on the front porch. The wind was blowing and the air was the perfect temperature. And of course Cole looked angelic there in the afternoon light. I posted on my facebook status---”Sitting on the front porch with Cole. How come I let myself get distracted and forget that this is what it is all about?” My friend Denise agreed that “Life is demanding like that...we all forget!” My high school friend Jamie mother of 2 said, “I’m just starting to learn that. Everything else will definitely wait, but the kids grow up whether we take time to notice or not.” And then a dear friend of Michael and I--Elizabeth wrote, “ You have no idea how quickly it goes by until it’s too late!”

Dear God, please help me heed the warnings of my dear friends. Please help me to stay focused on you, even when I go back to work, so that I can be the wife, mother, and doctor that you have called me to be. Otherwise, in a few years I will wake up with a marriage untended to, a job done half-hearted, and child that is grown up and a to do list that is still not completely checked off. I am asking for your help to learn this now and take it to heart before I get one day older.

Little Eyes

Cole watching me eat breakfast

I love to watch Cole as he acquires new skills. Michael and I were just thrilled a few weeks ago when he really started to look at us in our eyes like he knew who we were. Then he started to follow me with his eyes as I would walk across the room. This week he has started to watch things I do, no longer for just fleeting seconds, but it seems he is now studying my everyday activities. When he is not in my arms, he observes life from his activity mat, his bouncer and stroller. From time to time I will look over and see him studying my every move while I go about my daily routine. This of course thrills my heart when I catch him doing this. But it also reminds me of the great responsibility I have for the rest of my life. Those 2 little eyes are going to be watching me from now, at age 12, as an adult, and really until I leave this earth. The things I say to others’ the things I say at the supper table, how I serve my neighbor, and what I serve at dinner--He will see all of it--God help me to be the example his little eyes need to see in order to learn about you and become the man that you would have him to be.

become the man that you would have him to be.

Dayenu

Picture of Cole's first passover. He he not adorable wearing the yarmulke.

We celebrated Easter yesterday. I think this year was particularly special for me. We celebrated the passover with my Aunt and Uncle who practice Judaism. I was excited to attend passover with Uncle Joe leading the Seder and be able to eat all of the traditional foods that my Aunt Mary Lynn had prepared for us. Little did I know how beautiful the symbolism would be. The entire service focused on freedom and redemption of the Jewish people. It recounted the story of the exodus from Egypt as well as focused prayers on the physical freedom of all Jews everywhere. The readings were amazing. Even though I breastfeed and wrestled my 5 week old infant during most of the Seder, I still was taken and deeply moved by the readings and symbolism of the ceremony. The fact that Jesus celebrated in similar fashion before he became the final sacrifice for the entire world. Each time that freedom for all was mentioned during the Seder, my heart was so thankful that spiritual freedom is possible for all. At this point in the world physical freedom is not always allowed. Like Paul and Silas in jail praising the Lord and being spiritually free, all people regardless of physical freedom can be spiritually free.

One traditional Hebrew song is called “Dayenu.” In is sung during the passover celebration. The word “Danyeu” itself means “it would have been enough for us.” The song goes through a series of stanzas proclaiming that any of them alone would have been sufficient. It has 15 verses:

Five Stanzas of Leaving Slavery

1) If He had brought us out of Egypt.
2) If He had executed justice upon the Egyptians.
3) If He had executed justice upon their gods.
4) If He had slain their first born.
5) If He had given to us their health and wealth.

Five Stanzas of Miracles

6) If He had split the sea for us.
7) If He had led us through on dry land.
8) If He had drowned our oppressors.
9) If He had provided for our needs in the wilderness for 40 years.
10) If He had fed us manna.

Five Stanzas of Being With God

11) If He had given us Shabbat.
12) If He had led us to Mount Sinai.
13) If He had given us the Torah.
14) If He had brought us into the Land of Israel.
15) If He built the Temple for us.

After each stanza everyone sings “Dayenu” meaning if God had done just this it would have been enough.

This theme has remained in my heart since passover on Monday night. On Easter morning I was getting ready for church. I realized as Michael was getting Cole ready for church that he had tears in his eyes. I was a bit surprised and I asked him what was on his mind. He said, “If God had died on the cross for us it would have been enough. But he goes beyond that and blesses us in so many ways. One of those blessing being our little boy.”

Dayenu!!! But he does more than we ask, gives us with overwhelming gifts, and dreams bigger dreams for us than we can even dream for ourselves. God is so good.

think this year was particularly special for me. We celebrated the passover with my Aunt and Uncle who practice Judaism. I was excited to attend passover with Uncle Joe leading the Seder and be able to eat all of the traditional foods that my Aunt Mary Lynn had prepared for us. Little did I know how beautiful the symbolism would be. The entire service focused on freedom and redemption of the Jewish people. It recounted the story of the exodus from Egypt as well as focused prayers on the physical freedom of all Jews everywhere. The readings were amazing. Even though I breastfeed and wrestled my 5 week old infant during most of the Seder, I still was taken and deeply moved by the readings and symbolism of the ceremony. The fact that Jesus celebrated in similar fashion before he became the final sacrifice for the entire world. Each time that freedom for all was mentioned during the Seder, my heart was so thankful that spiritual freedom is possible for all. At this point in the world physical freedom is not always allowed. Like Paul and Silas in jail praising the Lord and being spiritually free, all people regardless of physical freedom can be spiritually free.

One traditional Hebrew song is called “Dayenu.” In is sung during the passover celebration. The word “Danyeu” itself means “it would have been enough for us.” The song goes through a series of stanzas proclaiming that any of them alone would have been sufficient. It has 15 verses:

Five Stanzas of Leaving Slavery

1) If He had brought us out of Egypt.
2) If He had executed justice upon the Egyptians.
3) If He had executed justice upon their gods.
4) If He had slain their first born.
5) If He had given to us their health and wealth.

Five Stanzas of Miracles

6) If He had split the sea for us.
7) If He had led us through on dry land.
8) If He had drowned our oppressors.
9) If He had provided for our needs in the wilderness for 40 years.
10) If He had fed us manna.

Five Stanzas of Being With God

11) If He had given us Shabbat.
12) If He had led us to Mount Sinai.
13) If He had given us the Torah.
14) If He had brought us into the Land of Israel.
15) If He built the Temple for us.

After each stanza everyone sings “Dayenu” meaning if God had done just this it would have been enough.

This theme has remained in my heart since passover on Monday night. On Easter morning I was getting ready for church. I realized as Michael was getting Cole ready for church that he had tears in his eyes. I was a bit surprised and I asked him what was on his mind. He said, “If God had died on the cross for us it would have been enough. But he goes beyond that and blesses us in so many ways. One of those blessing being our little boy.”

Dayenu!!! But he does more than we ask, gives us with overwhelming gifts, and dreams bigger dreams for us than we can even dream for ourselves. God is so good.

We celebrated Easter yesterday. I think this year was particularly special for me. We celebrated the passover with my Aunt and Uncle who practice Judaism. I was excited to attend passover with Uncle Joe leading the Seder and be able to eat all of the traditional foods that my Aunt Mary Lynn had prepared for us. Little did I know how beautiful the symbolism would be. The entire service focused on freedom and redemption of the Jewish people. It recounted the story of the exodus from Egypt as well as focused prayers on the physical freedom of all Jews everywhere. The readings were amazing. Even though I breastfeed and wrestled my 5 week old infant during most of the Seder, I still was taken and deeply moved by the readings and symbolism of the ceremony. The fact that Jesus celebrated in similar fashion before he became the final sacrifice for the entire world. Each time that freedom for all was mentioned during the Seder, my heart was so thankful that spiritual freedom is possible for all. At this point in the world physical freedom is not always allowed. Like Paul and Silas in jail praising the Lord and being spiritually free, all people regardless of physical freedom can be spiritually free.

One traditional Hebrew song is called “Dayenu.” In is sung during the passover celebration. The word “Danyeu” itself means “it would have been enough for us.” The song goes through a series of stanzas proclaiming that any of them alone would have been sufficient. It has 15 verses:

Five Stanzas of Leaving Slavery

1) If He had brought us out of Egypt.
2) If He had executed justice upon the Egyptians.
3) If He had executed justice upon their gods.
4) If He had slain their first born.
5) If He had given to us their health and wealth.

Five Stanzas of Miracles

6) If He had split the sea for us.
7) If He had led us through on dry land.
8) If He had drowned our oppressors.
9) If He had provided for our needs in the wilderness for 40 years.
10) If He had fed us manna.

Five Stanzas of Being With God

11) If He had given us Shabbat.
12) If He had led us to Mount Sinai.
13) If He had given us the Torah.
14) If He had brought us into the Land of Israel.
15) If He built the Temple for us.

After each stanza everyone sings “Dayenu” meaning if God had done just this it would have been enough.

This theme has remained in my heart since passover on Monday night. On Easter morning I was getting ready for church. I realized as Michael was getting Cole ready for church that he had tears in his eyes. I was a bit surprised and I asked him what was on his mind. He said, “If God had died on the cross for us it would have been enough. But he goes beyond that and blesses us in so many ways. One of those blessing being our little boy.”

Dayenu!!! But he does more than we ask, gives us with overwhelming gifts, and dreams bigger dreams for us than we can even dream for ourselves. God is so good.

In the Moment

This week it happened. My newborn son, Cole is 5 weeks old. I always day dreamed of being the mom who makes time to play with her child and who doesn’t allow the routine of the day to steal away those precious moments. Well, here we are 5 weeks out from his birth and it happened. I had my long to do list waiting for me when the alarm clock went off and I hopped up and went to it. At the end of the day I realized that I had not tried to make Cole smile all day. (which is something he had just learned to do a few days earlier). My goal had been not to enjoy him but to simply pacify him as quickly as possible throughout the day so I could check the next thing off my to do list. I was so upset with myself! I had allowed my type A personality to highjack the day and it cost me dearly, a day full of sweet moments that I missed because I wasn’t looking...I wasn’t present. Evidence that an “absent mother” can be fully physically present but emotionally absent. Life doesn’t stop. I must check off some items off of my to do list for us to function as a family and be feed. But. if I put “play with my baby” and “stare at him as he sleeps” too far down on my priority list these magical moments will be gone forever and I will never have the chance to get them back. I foresee that I will have to constantly battle my natural productivity, efficiency driven tendencies. Yet, I refuse to allow my future focused mentality to steal the joy of the present moment from me. Today I woke up, with Cole still sleeping, I quietly tiptoed to the back porch to drink coffee and spend time with God. I am not sure how to not become “that women” but I have a feeling it starts right here. Right here in this shared focused moment with the only One that can help me escape myself and change me from the inside out. God, Thank you for my little boy. He has already in the past 5 weeks brought us so much joy. Please help me to be the mother that he deserves and the mother that you have called me to be.



A picture of one of my favorite things...Cole's sweet little head nestled up against my neck.